I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
