Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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