so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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