The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
