Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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