dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
