mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
