sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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