saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
