On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
