You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
