I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
