I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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