slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
