doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
