My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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