What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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