I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
