Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
