If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
