He asked to "fluff my boner.."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
