me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
