i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
