I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
