After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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