Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
