i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
