Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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