hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
