I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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