yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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