I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
