K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
