We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
