I think scott just propositioned me for sex
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
