theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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