So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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