the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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