Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
