i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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