I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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