he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
