I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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