I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
