pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
