There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
