Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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