i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
