I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
