you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
