what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
