My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
